I originally published this on September 1, 2017 – as Vanguard Week 2017 was drawing to a close. I entitled it Proposed Standup for V for V-Week 2018. It was part of my ongoing process of ridiculing the rodent.
Happily, there was no Vanguard Week in 2018, for the odious one was arrested in March 2018.
At the time I wrote this, I was the only one writing about Vanguard. The New York Times story was more than a month and a half from publication. I was chipping away at Keith Raniere’s credibility, continuing an onslaught of his character.
During August and September of 2017, numerous DOS women contacted me and told me they read my material and quit DOS. I found that ridicule of Raniere emboldened them. They saw that when I could safely mock him – openly and notoriously mock him – they felt they could at least quietly escape.
Here was/is my proposed Vanguard comedy routine – which Vanguard never got to use [if he would have used it] for Vanguard Week 2018.
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Venereal disease is no laughing matter. Yet sometimes a good laugh – at the idiocy of what is transpiring in the world of Vanguard – might help deprogram some folks wavering on the fence. [And there are several I am told.]
Vanguard uses a myriad of techniques to get people inducted.
So I told the slave, the joke’s on you. You can’t catch herpes twice.
A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has “Vanguard Fever”Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!
There was a Mexican man who came to V-Week and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time he was there.Then he returned to Monterrey and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis.The man freaked out. He went to the doctor.
The doctor said, “I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests.”
So they ran some tests and he said, “Come back in three days for your test results.”
The man came back in three days and the doctor said, “I have some bad news. You have a disease called Vangaurdian HP. It is very uncommon here and we know little about it. I’m sorry sir but we will need to amputate your penis.”
The man was horrified. He went to Clifton Park and saw Dr. Brandon Porter thinking he would know more about it.
Dr. Porter said, “Oh, yes, Vanguardian HP, very aware. yes”.
The man said, “My Mexican doctor wants to amputate my penis.”
“Unethical Mexican doctor,” Dr. Porter said. “He wants to make more money that way. No need amputate.”
“Oh thank god,” said the man.
“Yes, wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”
A member of the High Council of the Society of Protectors went to see Dr. Danielle Roberts.She said, “I have good news and bad news.”“What’s the bad news?” “
Your wife has genital herpes.”
“Jeez! What could possibly be good news?”
“She didn’t get it from you.”
A DOS woman returns from V-Week and is feeling very ill. She goes to see her doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.The woman wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by her bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It’s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”
“Oh my gosh,” cried the DOS woman, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“It’s not on my diet, but will that cure me???” asked the DOS slave.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but… it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
You know I play piano at the concert level. So what’s worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What’s green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea
So, if you have the clap and you spread it around, is it called applause?
So I went to Daniela on her birthday and recited this poem: “Roses are red
“Violets are blue
“How would you like it if I cum on you?”
So I went to the store to buy condoms.”Do you want a bag?”, the cashier asks.”No,” I said, “she’s not that ugly.”
It’s a career option…. and I’m set for life.
