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I Loved the Swami But Was Not ‘In-Love’; That’s What Saved Me the Most

10/01/2022·

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Aya, a former disciple of the Swami Chetanananda, wrote I Love Swami Most – He Saved Me – But Practices Black Magic, Hurts Women.

In her article, she explained:

He went too far. He’s taken sacred vows and broken them for his own insatiable and cruel appetites. Used his gifts as curses.
It’s sad beyond belief. Do you know why it’s sad for me?
It’s sad because I love him. He saved my life. I love him more than most of the women I’m standing up for, but I don’t get to play rapist favorites.
I would love Swami Chetanananda to be the man I thought he was. To be in his presence is like the sun shining on you…. He was the Dad I hadn’t had since I was five years old.

Aya got a fair amount of criticism for her position, and this is her response, or, if you prefer, her clarification.

By Aya

Calm down. I wasn’t “in love” with Swami Chetanananda. I said I “loved” him.

Not everyone is cut from the same cult cloth.

Thankfully, I’ve never been a viable candidate for that kind of programming, probably due to my early experience of being sexually abused in a religious setting.

I have my own relationship with God. I don’t worship humans as divine. That just never made sense to me.

My experience of the Swami was different from many others who have written about their relationship with him.

Probably the fact that I didn’t blindly worship him is what prevented me from getting hurt.

The Swami’s mug says ‘Do Your Fucking Practice.” But does that mean attractive women have to practice with him?

I have a ton of attitude and raised hell whenever those cunty cult lady games were presented to me, which was nonstop.

That’s the first test, you know. You have to be willing to submit to a certain amount of alpha-ing from Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I flunked at that.

Third would be my hard rule of “I don’t Fuck where I pray”.

I also can’t do “fake.”

The little kiss-kiss these intimate partners of the Swami do to each other’s faces while savaging each other in a more private company.

Yuck.

I stuck to the much sweeter and more spiritually authentic old timers at the ashram.

They were long removed from any competition for the Swami. Their only competition was their work ethic.

I left the group as soon as the Swami hurt one of the young-ins'” I cared about.

Hard door slam and padlocked. Boom.

When I first came there, I couldn’t discern facts from fiction about the Swami, because my source about his abuses came from a certain sex partner of his.

She foisted on me her ever-evolving stories from the day I stepped foot in there.

Now I know the truth because I’ve talked to people who don’t know each other. They have similar stories about the Swami’s abuse of his disciples.

That is how I put it all together.

It’s NOT “people like me” who enable the Swami to keep abusing students.

Unless you consider having unresolved trauma, needing somewhere to be and heal, and ending up in a viper pit based on trusting a best friend of 13 years and her faith in her guru to blame for this.

A lot was going on at the end, obviously with a move from Portland to Gold Beach, a move of significant proportions.

It sounds like most of the victims here started in the ashram as I did without perhaps being referred to there as I was by a long-time friend.

So is it the victims’ fault?

Was I grateful to him for a home, company, and food? Of course, I was.

That’s called manners.

Some people criticized me because I dared to say I loved him – for helping me during a hard time in my life.

Frankly, their nasty assumptions and snap judgments make it difficult for me to care about continuing to explain my position.

I don’t owe anyone anything, and I am free to love whoever I want and feel however I like about all this.

I’m not doing cartwheels in front of his house, pining over him, or considering some reconciliation.

No, it’s done.

Love remains on my end.

I’m not responsible for any more than that.

I don’t try to own it, but rather understand my experience there.

I don’t love someone because of what they “do.”

How some of you react to me expressing that I love the Swami makes me wonder what you consider the word “love” to mean.

The Swami has enough people on the Frank Report that hate him and want him to stop.

I would like to see more people who love him, who want him to stop.

Hatred will only lead to more hatred.

Comments (55)

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Anonymous10/01/2022

“ I have a ton of attitude and raised hell whenever those cunty cult lady games were presented to me, which was nonstop. That’s the first test, you know. You have to be willing to submit to a certain amount of alpha-ing from Thing 1 and Thing 2.”- Love your description and happy you “flunked.” Many express what sounds like hate but could be deep hurt and response to trauma. It seems you’re “further along” (not to compare) or simply took a different route to process your experience. If you care enough for shoemaker to use love to bring him to halt his abusive ways, that’s great. Ultimately we’re here as individuals on a journey and it’s difficult to imagine shoemaker is truly pleased with his conduct. He went off the rails long ago and no one in his inner circle loved him enough to confront him and address his conduct that shows his inner dysfunction and cruelty to others.

Anonymous10/03/2022

Some people did express it. And they were gaslighted, ridiculed and swiftly excised. Shunned. Swept under the (now very lumpy) silk carpet, defamed, and psychically attacked for years for their trouble.

Anonymous10/03/2022

Reply to: Anonymous October 3, 2022 at 2:11 am Some people did express it. And they were gaslighted, ridiculed and swiftly excised. Shunned. Swept under the (now very lumpy) silk carpet, defamed, and psychically attacked for years for their trouble. How was the “psychical” attacked experienced? What does Shoemaker do? When I attended the “open eye meditation” at the Movement Center, I witnessed many of the congregation seemed to go into a trance state. They would shudder, moan, and have involuntary movements. Does Shoemaker implant phobias through hypnotism, neuro-linguistic programing, drugs, and trance induced altered states of consciousness? Do the cult members reinforce these fears? Maggie Daley and some of the “older sweeter and more spiritually authentic old timers at the ashram “seemed to be primed for this type of trance, they appeared to slip into this altered state of consciousness as soon as they stepped into the meditation hall. This is a common phenomenon exploited by cult leaders, listen to Dr. Yual Laor describe how it is done. https://freedomofmind.com/how-cults-exploit-fervor-and-awe-to-recruit-and-control/ None of the “sweeter and more spiritually authentic old timers at the ashram” get off the hook. They were there when everything we have read about went down. They have helped cover up his abuses. Look again at the photos of the “student” being brought back to the Movement Center in a hospital bed. The sweet old timers saw Dan, Jess, Ruth and many other “seva” residents being exploited for their labor and their vulnerability. They know about the abuse of Shoemaker's sexual partners, the jump off the bridge, the ambulance rides for the strangulation victims, the deaths of his “students”. They were there when the letter about Shoemaker's abuses was published online and when Richard Read wrote his series in the Oregonian about the abuses. These “sweet and more spiritually authentic old timers” surround Shoemaker and support him at his Gold Beach center. They talk among themselves, there is no way now that they are not aware of these Frank Report articles.

Anonymous10/04/2022

I agree. The “sweet authentically spiritual old timers” are not still with Shoemaker. What remains are old, brain dead zombie parasites; Shoemakers team of complicit flying monkeys on his payroll.

Anonymous10/04/2022

Maggie Daley is in Gold Beach.

Anonymous10/01/2022

I don’t think so many hate swami. They simply want decades of criminal conduct, exploitation, and hypocrisy to cease and for people to be accountable and own their behavior.

pinky10/02/2022

i hate him

Ruth10/03/2022

And you have every right to.

Pinky10/03/2022

…And the reason I despise him now is because when I read Natacha’s detailed public statement, written after she got away from him, the things he said to her to lure her in were word for word EXACTLY what he said to me in 1972. I am LONG over the trauma and humiliation. 19fucking72. So many victims.

Anonymous10/01/2022

All sociopaths have charismatic charm and a perfected ability to sense vulnerabilities in others, which they seek to exploit for personal “gain”. Otherwise sadists like shoemaker would not be able to surround himself with loyal and powerful protectors that legitimize his role and strategize to gain Allies who will lend credibility to the ashram. It makes sense that many love swami which adds to the internal conflict and chronic doubt and turmoil. It’s major mind fucking among a pool of people you cannot trust.

Ruth10/01/2022

Hello Aya, I have told Frank myself that your article is welcome as a different perspective and different tone here. I did not criticize your love of Swami or your need to tell us this. Part of me found it odd, but no more than that. Different views make a more complete picture, which is important. I think its really important for others to hold space for us. If you dont mind me saying: Shoemaker called people like me “beasts.” I still suffer from the slander I was subject to. I think you can understand its hard to love someone who dehumanizes anyone like that. I was just an animal to him. I too never slept with him or played those games well. I never felt he saved my life though. He took what tiny sparks I had for a spiritual life and crushed them. Its much harder to love someone like that than someone who you feel saved you. I'm sure you can understand that well. I ask the, just like you respect yourself and your story, to respect how we feel and not tell us how we feel…whether hate or love. Por que no los dos? (Why not both?) I think the true opposite of love is not hate but indifference aka lack of emotion. Hate only comes from a place of intense emotions. Some have said you can only hate because you loved before. Still someone can hate and love at the same time too I think. I dont hate Shoemaker. I am angry with him and he does disgust me. Sometimes I think of him and want to throw up, like when I smell something bad, or see a spider in a bath. What happened to me was almost a decade ago though. I “love” him in my own way now having processed a lot for a long time (and it seems longer than you so far.) I dont feel my intentions any more or less refined than yours. Or if my love was less refined (or elevated?) than yours, you'd never know and neither would I. Just like its not my business to judge about how you feel and what it means….Its not your business about us. So I ask you to be kind to those of us who were really hurt. And also please don't assume we did something to attract it to us either. I understand the temptation to rationalize ones survival vs others but that personal hindsight bias struggle (which is fallacious btw) in public can be very painful and feel like blaming for those who didnt escape certain things through no character fault of their own. Or even if there was, you still don't really know, truly, since you're not them, so please let them decide what to publicly blame themselves for, just like you would like to not be publicly blamed. I look forward to you joining the growing number of survivors and reading more of what you have to say.

Anonymous10/01/2022

Rudi, the gift that keeps on Giving by Jayne Lyons When my daughter sent me a confused text telling me she needed help, I went to Portland to be with her. During my two week stay at the Movement Center I felt like I had been transported to the Twilight Zone. It took a while for me to figure out that I was in the middle of a cult. The first thing I did was care for my daughter’s physical injuries with an emergency room visit, follow-up care and then some conversation to better understand what had been done to her. It has taken me years to put those pieces of fraudulent recruiting, love bombing, grooming, labor exploitation and assault together to form a more complete picture of cultic abuse at the Movement Center run by J. Michael Shoemaker. I have been reading, listening to, and watching all that I can to educate myself about how cults operate. I have been calling on professionals with expertise in providing information and services for cult survivors to better understand the phenomenon of cults. The SAFE group in Portland has been helpful to me; https://www.safeportland.org/ and also the International Cultic Studies Association, ICSA. https://www.icsahome.com/ Three books that I read early on are: Dr. Steven Hassan’s books, including, Combating Cult Mind Control; Dr. Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias, Take Back you Life; Tahlia Newland, Fallout, Recovering from Abuse in Tibetan Buddhism; I got help from Kent Burtner, Dr. Ken Garrett and Dr. Margaret Eichler in the Portland area. Thank you I found there are many resources to help ex-members and their families to recover from cultic abuse. Just this week, I listened to a recent episode of Rachel Bernstein’s podcast, Indoctrination. In the September 21, 2022, episode, Deer Tribe Medicine Society, a link to J. Michael Shoemaker’s “guru” comes up. Seems like Albert Rudolph, aka Swami Rudrananda “founded” a Rudra Center in Denton Texas. The narrator of the Indoctrination episode gives her experience of self-recruitment and “falling” into a cult and subsequent traumatization. Like Nxivm, like OSHO, and like what we are learning from those who have escaped from cults run by Rudi’s “devotees”, J. Michael Shoemaker aka Swami Chetanananda and Russell Kruckman, aka Swami Shankanaranda, this woman was also exploited. Seems like Albert Rudolph is the gift that keeps on giving, confusion, gaslighting, manipulation, exploitation and abuse are the outcomes. Stay safe out there and stay away from cults! Practice safe sects! https://www.podpage.com/indoctrination/deer-tribe-medicine-society-wheidi-thompson/ Heidi Thompson was born into the Seventh-Day Adventist apocalyptic religion. She escaped at age 19 to attend college at the University of North Texas where she completed her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. While in graduate school, she learned about a spiritual organization called the Rudra Center for Enlightened Awareness. She began attending their sweat lodges, meditation, and shamanic psychology classes. She soon became part of the inner circle and was eventually introduced to its parent organization called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. After her recruitment into the Deer Tribe, Heidi became actively involved in their sacred sexuality workshops called ‘Quodoushka.’ Quodoushka claims to teach people that sex is “natural, sacred and beautiful.” Heidi was told these workshops would help her heal from sexual trauma. However, while attending these workshops, she was manipulated into doing many perverse and corrupt sexual activities she did not want to do. These experiences left her deeply traumatized. https://dtmms.org/lodgesworldwide/ https://www.ntdaily.com/death-to-the-myths-the-truth-about-the-rudra-center-for-enlightened-awareness/ A brief and accurate history Founded in 1971, the Rudra Center has also been known as the Kundalini Yoga Ashram, Inc., purposed as an organization that provides impactful spiritual experiences for individuals seeking to find a higher meaning and purpose. It is and has always been a nonprofit spiritual organization. Among many other practices, a certain type of meditation, Rudra meditation, is the main practice of the center. “It’s the foundational practice here at the Ashram that we build everything else on.” tai chi and qigong instructor-in-training Ross DeOtte, 27, said. “It’s the knowledge that works and the practices that work. There’s no philosophy or dogmatic ancient text that we think is 100 percent correct — it’s all about practice and seeing results that are improving our lives and the lives of our relations.” The center emerged out of the requests of a small group of spiritual seekers in Denton. They invited a man named Swami Rudrananda (Rudi) to visit Denton, after which he offered to set up a meditation group for them and established the Ashram in 1971. “Ashram” means a place to study spirituality. In order to house this school, Rudi placed a down-payment on a small, two-story Victorian house on Locust Street and then left, leaving the rest to be paid for by the students. However, after Rudi left for his home in Manhattan, New York, the students found themselves in dire need of a spiritual teacher in order to assist them in continuing the growth of the Ashram. Rudi therefore sent one of his leading disciples, Stuart Perrin, to fulfill this role. “Rudi sent down Stuart to give the students discipline and structure, since it was in the ’70s and people practiced ‘spirituality’ by taking drugs,” artist Zack Mitchell, 27, said. “It needed to be a real practice instead of just a bunch of hippies doing yoga.” Rudi would continue to visit the Ashram in Denton once or twice a year until his passing in a plane crash in 1973 upstate New York. After Rudi’s passing, Stuart Perrin assumed head teacher at the Ashram until 1978 when he passed his role over to Robert Baker, more commonly known as Silver Ra, 70. Ra continues to extend his guidance and council at the Ashram today

Anonymous10/01/2022

Check Wikipedia. I actually think psychopath is more apt than sociopath. No conscience on the way into situations, no remorse on the back end. The Divine Church of Dirty Business. All the strong people left.

Anonymous10/01/2022

That’s touching

Anonymous10/03/2022

https://culteducation.com/group/1175-swami-chetananda.html

Do t know how10/02/2022

i think certain people are headed for a lot of… inharmonious karma…. be smart.. shun this website like you do samsaras. this person who runs this website has already put things in place to end his and his family's future… do not be fooled..

Anonymous10/02/2022

That’s a word salad for you. Can you please be more specific about “ inharmonious karma? Who is going to harmed? What precisely will happen? When will this occur, date and time, please. And who around this person will also be touched by this karma and specifically how?

Anonymous10/03/2022

Inharmonious karma now. That must be even worse than bad karma. Hahahaha the evil sage surfaces again. I’m shaking in my shoes.

Anonymous10/03/2022

Heh-heh – Dom't forget your tuning fork!!

WTF10/02/2022

I saw some of the documentary about R. Kelly, and I remember one woman who described horrific abuse said that yes, she does still love him. You can love someone while still insisting that they are held responsible for the wrong things they did.

Anonymous10/02/2022

All the strong people left. All the best people left. All the strong people left, all the smart people scrammed. All the strong people said the hell with this, all the best people said bye bye. All the strong folks moved on. All the best folks left this community. All the strong people left. All the best people left. All the strong people left. All the best people left. All the thoughtful people said enough was enough. All the people who have any sense of themselves said we are done. All the strong people left. All the good ones are gone. All. The. Strong. People. LEFT.

Anonymous10/03/2022

Self soothing?

Anonymous10/03/2022

Beating up on a guy and organization who deserve it. That's all.

Anonymous10/04/2022

Do it better. You sound deranged.

Comments (55)

Add Your Comment

Anonymous10/01/2022

Anonymous10/03/2022

Anonymous10/04/2022

Maggie Daley is in Gold Beach.

Anonymous10/01/2022

I don’t think so many hate swami. They simply want decades of criminal conduct, exploitation, and hypocrisy to cease and for people to be accountable and own their behavior.

pinky10/02/2022

i hate him

Ruth10/03/2022

And you have every right to.

Pinky10/03/2022

Anonymous10/01/2022

Ruth10/01/2022

Anonymous10/01/2022

That’s touching

Anonymous10/03/2022

https://culteducation.com/group/1175-swami-chetananda.html

Do t know how10/02/2022

Anonymous10/02/2022

Anonymous10/03/2022

Inharmonious karma now. That must be even worse than bad karma. Hahahaha the evil sage surfaces again. I’m shaking in my shoes.

Anonymous10/03/2022

Heh-heh – Dom't forget your tuning fork!!

WTF10/02/2022

Anonymous10/02/2022

Anonymous10/03/2022

Self soothing?

Anonymous10/03/2022

Beating up on a guy and organization who deserve it. That's all.

Anonymous10/04/2022

Do it better. You sound deranged.